Just say no

To fiber.

You should absolutely, positively stay away from anything with added fiber.

I'm going to share this with all of you because I feel it's my duty. 

It's rather embarrassing but whatever.

On my weekly jaunt to my favorite grocery store, I had an epiphany and thought it would be a good idea to pick up some Luna Bars to stash in my desk for days when I don't eat breakfast, which is nearly every damn day. I'm constantly rushing out the door and coffee just does not cut it 99.9% of the time. My kid eats breakfast though and that's what counts.

If you haven't tried a Luna Bar do it pronto. They are fantastic, a tad on the sugary side, but they do the trick and they're yummy. Naturally, I went with the standard breakfast fare flavors; peanut butter cookie, oatmeal raisin cookie, chocolate chip and lemon. Obvious choices. Then I stumbled across an organic, blueberry flavored bar with extra fiber. Score, right? I love blueberries and everyone could use a little extra fiber.

Wrong. So mother freaking wrong. 

I tell you who doesn't need a little extra fiber. Me. I have no idea why but I had forgotten what extra fiber did to me back when I thought it was a good idea to bring a Fiber One bar for lunch every day for a week, a few years ago. 

And here's where it gets embarrassing.

Extra fiber makes me writhe in pain and want to curl up into a little ball and DIE!

It's like the world's worst gas cramps you have ever felt in your whole entire freaking life. I'm not even shitting my brains out. Nope. That would be welcome. I just sound like a 75 year old man tearing ass at a ridiculously loud level because he can't hear and has no idea how loud it actually is. 

What's worse I can't tear said ass, because I'm in public or at home with PB and there's no way I can let one fly. This is not something I can blame on the dog and he will surely never look at me the same.

As if watching me push a giant baby out of my crotch didn't already change his perspective on my nether regions.

And it lasts. Oh my word. It does NOT go away. I'm still dealing with gas bubbles today and I might seriously go hide in an alley out back to make myself feel better. I'm counting down the hours till I'm alone in my car and can get this over with.

I'm guessing I don't need any damn extra fiber because I get plenty from eating healthy? I have no idea.

Moral of the story, if you eat a relatively well balanced diet, you probably don't need a damn thing that has extra, added anything. And if you do, may the Lord be with you.

And if I ever attempt to do this again, I may just punch myself in the freaking face.

You're welcome.