Old School

What percent of American homes do you think do not have a microwave?

I love google.

The answer is 6.8%

So, quick math tells me 93.2% of homes do have microwaves.

And we are no longer one of them. 

During my nightly juggling act of making two dinners, I threw some leftovers in the microwave for The King. Just a quick, 30 second nuke job. The timer goes off, I open the door, and out comes a huge cloud of smoke, not what I was expecting. Luckily nothing was on fire and clearly no one got hurt, but my house smelled like ass for a solid few hours and I was pretty annoyed that the damn thing broke.

Now this is the same microwave that has also caught a few plastic bowls on fire. So I'm not sure why I'm so surprised, but it was only a year old and cost like 200 bucks. It shouldn't break. Manufacturers need to start making stuff that is worth a damn again. I'm sick of replacing things every 1-2 years. 

But the point to my story is, have you ever stopped to think how much you actually use one of those things? Do you think it's even healthy? For real?

I mean, I don't even understand how they work but I never even think twice about throwing something in there. Since last night, I've gone to use it five or six times and every time I've been shocked and annoyed. I really depend on that thing.

Then I realized I can just heat it up on the stove, like it's 1775 and all is right in the world. Minus the screaming men in my life who are HUNGRY.

This may sound crazy but I've decided I'm going to see how long we can go without a microwave.

Because I need more difficulty in my life...

PB is for sure going to be irritated and go out and buy a new one tomorrow. I'll probably be sick of it by Sunday but it will be an interesting little experiment and maybe teach me some patience or to plan better? I don't know. What the hell? Why not?

Let me know if you jump on the crazy train and decide to try it too.

In other news, I was up all night and apparently so was my ginger friend who texted me at 12:45am about her evening, thinking I'd see it in the morning. Wrong. Mamas aint got time for sleep.

She makes me feel less crazy and I love her for it.

Also, how cute is this guy? His biggest smile and breakfast with his puppy. 

Early morning duck hunting. I don't even put him up to this stuff. I just cheer him on, make sure he doesn't fall out the window and let him know when the ducks are coming in.

"Here they come buddy, SHOOT EM!"

I should probably clean my windows.

Happy Thursday Friends!

ma

Surviving

Excel hell today.

Thank goodness for good music.

And google. And pandora. And coffee. And anything else that gives my eyes a break and my mind something to think about.

Fail

My plan to get up early was foiled by The King this morning.

He woke up at 5:15, right when my alarm went off, that he cannot hear from his bed and would not go back to sleep.

How does he know?

We managed to get everything accomplished, sans chicken poop, this morning anyway so I'm happy about that. I still have a laundry list of things I need to get done tonight and know that there are just not enough hours in the day. I think I need to stay up later and crank through stuff since Ole Kingy is on to my wake up early plans.

Also, a big giant "F" goes to Billy Currington for officially putting out the worst album I have ever purchased in my entire life.

It's like a mix of elevator music, Taylor Swift, hotel lobby music, R&B and country thrown in for good measure. The lyrics are terrible, somewhat insulting at times, and it's just all wrong. It's so bad, I'm deleting it from my phone as soon as I give you the play by play of how bad it is. What a waste of $9.99.

Here you go.

1. Hey Girl - This one has been on the radio for a few weeks and I actually don't mind it. It's ok.
2. Wingman - This is just plain insulting and really just, bad taste. It's all about how his buddy is supposed to be his wingman and steals his girl. And something or other about the buddy was supposed to take the grenade and him the fox and now he's stuck talking to the ugly girl who can't catch a  hint. Yes, this probably happens in real life, whatever, but it's the first song I listened to and it really put a bad taste in my mouth. And it's lame. Aren't you old dude?
3. One Way Ticket - Hotel lobby music, in Cancun or something? I didn't even finish listening to it.
4. 23 Degrees and South - Again didn't even finish this one. This is another lame beachside bar song.
5. We Are Tonight - This sounds like a Taylor Swift anthem song to me. You are too old and you have a penis. Leave this to Taylor or that other guy, what's his name? He's like the Justin Bieber of country. I can't think of it. I'm too tired.
6. Hard To Be a Hippie - The only saving grace of this song is Willie Nelson
7. Closer Tonight - This one is ok, just ok. If someone forced me to pick a song out of the 10 that I semi-like, maybe this one would win. I don't know though. It might be a stretch.
8. Another Day Without You - John Mayer. Cheese. They might play this song in a furniture store without the lyrics. Or maybe the grocery store as background music.
9. Banana Pancakes - This made me want to throw my phone across the room. Way to ruin a great song dude.
10. Hallelujah - And to round out the awful of the entire album we have this song. What the shit is this? "God made Grandma, she made pie. Taste so good, it bring a tear to your eye". I'm not even kidding. I couldn't make this stuff up.

I mean, half glass full, I guess good for Billy for trying something new?

I can't imagine any of these songs will make the radio but then again, country music is going straight down the shitter anyway so they probably love the whole thing.

I may never buy another album again.

Chris Young and Justin Moore are on the chopping block next.

Happy Hump Day!
ma

New Albums

After this mornings chicken shit fiasco, I decided I needed a treat.

So naturally, I bought music. Instant gratification.

I haven't listened to any of them yet so the verdict is out. My guess is that there will be a fair amount of songs about headlights, water towers and boots but I'm hopeful.

Justin Moore
Billy Currington
Chris Young

I also picked up Luke Bryan's new album a few weeks ago. I'll share my thoughts on him some day.

xxoo
ma

Chicken poo is the new black

Morning.

The puppymoon is over.

I'm not complaining because I knew this would happen. It's par for the course. But sometimes I have such ridiculous nights and mornings that I have to share. So brace yourself.

My sleep schedule, between The King and Buck, was as follows:

8:30 - Bed (no joke)
9:30 - Buck
10:30 - King
11:30 - Buck
11:45 - King
12-4:45 - Sleep
4:45 - Buck
5:15 - Alarm
5:45 - Crawl out of bed
6:00 - King (thank goodness PB was still home so I could shower)

I need to get up when my alarm goes off.

Our morning routine is organized mayhem.

I feed Kingy while simultaneously trying to make our lunches and chase dogs. Once The King has decided he's finished and thrown all of his food on the floor, I call Gracie for "Last Bites" hoping she'll clean the floor for me.

Then I chase The King around the house, finally trapping him in a corner so I can get him to change his clothes and diaper. He starts the kicking and screaming because he totally hates being changed; which is understandable because we've only been changing diapers and clothes for 16 months and it takes a long time to get used to that sort of thing.

When we are finally both dressed, we then brush our teeth, my hair gets semi-brushed (messy hair is totally in), shoes are on (more chasing) and maybe a swipe of mascara. I pick up Kingy and what seems like eight bags, maybe a slice of toast and coffee for myself, The King's pancake to-go (sans syrup), one dog in the kennel and waddle our way out the door to throw everything in the car.

Now we have Buck so I go back for him, still holding The King, but he's now yelling because he wants to carry Buck to the kennel so I set him down, he picks up Buck and they both fall down because Buck is too heavy. Now The King is pissed and yelling again. I grab the dog and the kid, dragging them both, whining to the kennel. Lock em up, only Buck, but sometimes I consider locking The King in there too. Then we have to go say hi and bye to the chickens and bunnies and I end up chasing Kingy around the yard because he doesn't want to leave.

It's my morning exercise.

By the time I catch him and load him into the car he's crying because he's still pissed. I strap him in, assess what's in the car and make sure I have everything. Give him some food and hope for the best.

I finally look down at my clothes to see how much dirt and food I have smeared all over myself and there it is. My shining new badge of honor.

Chicken shit.

I'm not even kidding. On my coat and pants.

Perfect. Because I have tons of time to change.

But you know what? I didn't freak out. Nope. I just grabbed a baby wipe and got that shit right off me, jumped in the car and got the hell outta dodge.

I'm hoping that chicken shit is appropriate "business casual" but I'm not so sure.

Sometimes I feel like I don't live a real life. Like, who the hell is this insane? But then my ginger friend texts me 20 minutes later saying that her daughter shit all over her and her house and I remember, oh yeah, this is life. Totally normal.

And at the end of the day, as much as I may bitch and complain, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Except maybe without the chicken shit.

More crazy people

What the hell is going on in this country?

Shooter in Navy Yard

It makes me cringe and really scared for what this place is going to look like when The King is an adult.

Keep these people in your thoughts and prayers. I hate when these things happen because it sets off a chain reaction and we end up seeing a handful more.

People need to get their shit together.

If The King could talk

He'd say "I think my mom's gone crazy"

We got a puppy.

I know, I know. I am a glutton for punishment. But look at him. And then look at this.

It makes sense now, right?

Ever since our Lou-diggity passed away, we've been kind of throwing around the idea of another dog. The further away we got from the day we put her down, the more I agreed.

The main reason is that Gracie has been pretty damn lonely. She's taken to wandering the streets and fields to hang out with neighbor dogs. Which is a huge problem and sort of sad. We've even gone so far as borrowing PB's brothers dog for a week or two to keep her company.

So we thought, what the hell? I guess? I don't know. The thing is, I don't sleep anyway. I'm up every night at least twice so adding a puppy to the mix isn't too much trouble for me. I just walk across the house and let him out. No big deal.

We're still tossing around ideas for a name but the winner so far is "Buck". Naming a dog is about as challenging as naming a human. Inneresting.

Right now he's in the newborn stage. He doesn't know where the hell he is or where his mama is so he's pretty calm. I imagine in another day or two he'll be a raging lunatic and chewing everything in site. For now, I'm going to pretend we have a calm puppy and continue to ignore the anxiety I have over the amount of shoes and possessions I'm about to lose to a teething pup.

And Kingy is smitten. It is probably the world's cutest thing, babies and puppies.

The rest of our weekend was spent just as I'd hoped. We hit up the pumpkin patch, watched plenty of football, I baked some pecan bars for PB, more canning and labeling, had some awesome grub, I cleaned, PB and Grandpa worked on the roof, Nanny and Uncle Drew were over too and most importantly...

I BEAT PB IN FANTASY FOOTBALL!!!!

That makes me 2-0

Suck it boys!

I really wanted to rub it in this morning but it's totally a fluke. I'm just going to pretend I'm a bad ass on the internet though.

Here's the weekend in pictures.

He's suddenly a man?

Nanny and Kingy were ripping around the kitchen in the wagon clearly labeled "Not for Children". They are hilarious.

Tractors. Of course.

More applesauce and jam to go and then I'm DONE.

Morning snuggles. Ridiculous.

Hope everyone had a perfect weekend!

Xxoo

Ma