Neglectful

Sorry peeps.

Same shit, different day.

This is wicked funny and true and hilarious.

Bedtime Stalling 101

LESSON ONE: MAKE CHANGING INTO YOUR PJS AS DIFFICULT AS POSSIBLE
Run around the house at full speed. If a parent catches you, go completely limp so that you weigh 1000 lbs. If mom or dad succeeds in getting your clothes off, do not let that deter you from making a quick getaway and running around fully naked.

LESSON TWO: A SUDDEN APPRECIATION FOR DINNER
This tactic is best carried out if you have a long established behavior of “not eating”. This way, when you show a sudden interest in nourishment at exactly the same time your parents start the bedtime process, they are genuinely torn between their desire to get you into bed and their fear that you might starve to death.

LESSON THREE: YOUR TEETH CAN NEVER BE TOO CLEAN
Brush your heart out. Ask for more toothpaste. Ask to use the Dora toothbrush and then change your mind and ask for the Thomas one. Run your brush under the water for an inordinate amount of time. Decide your teeth aren’t quite clean enough and start over. You get the idea.

LESSON FOUR: HIDE YOUR BLANKIE
Establish the need for as many security items as possible. I suggest a blankie, a stuffed animal and a sippy cup. About an hour before bedtime, hide these items around the house. Precious minutes will be awarded when your parents are forced to go on their nightly security item search, knowing full well there is no way you will go to bed without them.

LESSON FIVE: BOOK NEGOTIATION
When it comes to selecting books for bedtime stories, try standing frozen in front of your bookshelf, unable to make a decision. You can also attempt to renegotiate your allotted number of books. If your parent says you can have two, ask for three. If they say three, ask for four. The important thing is to never be satisfied. Lastly, pick the longest book possible or if you are feeling extra daring, pick the book with 100 “look and see” flaps. Those things take FOREVER.

LESSON SIX: ENGAGE & AMAZE
All day, your parents have been trying in vain to talk to you, to get you to smile for the camera, to count to ten, etc. but you have ignored them. Now is your time. Put on your most devoted smile. Conjure up every word in your vocabulary and try to start an actual conversation. Sing a song. Say “I love you”. Your goal is to make it as tough as possible for your parent to walk away.

LESSON SEVEN: THE LAST CHANCE HURRAH
If your parent picks you up to place you in your crib, your stalling minutes are numbered. You can try to make a break for it— arch your back, kick your legs, protest, etc. But the way I see it, you’ve got two options— lie down and accept the inevitable or scream their name as they walk out the door.

- See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/bedtime-stalling-101/#sthash.u7vubvxn.dpuf

White Flag

People.

I have the stomach bug.

I woke up this morning and just knew that something wasn't right. It's so bad that at one point, I thought I was going to go number dos in my pjs. Like, drop everything and sprint/waddle to the bathroom kind of sick. This is the kind that if you fart, you are for sure going to shart everywhere.

Ain't nobody got time for sharting

WHY?! Why do I catch everything from my kid? PB has been sick for almost a month now and I think we're just in general, DONE with winter and sick and being cooped up inside. Did I mention the King puked everywhere again last night too?

Can a mama get a break?

Good lawd!

The good news, I am working from home for the next two days.

The bad news, I'm shitting and puking.

Sweet mother of pearl I surrender!!!!

Sleepin

Just stumbled across this article.

One Mom's Controversial Approach to Getting Her Kid to Sleep

Guess I'm not the only one with a sleeping babe in their bed!

Everything comes to pass, nothing comes to stay

Well, The King has officially figured out that he sleeps in a bed and can escape any time he pleases.

It was a good run.

He's been in his toddler bed for just about a year now and has always stayed put until about a week ago. I'm not sure how I feel about his new found freedom.

The King always starts the night off in his bed; ok we're probably successful 98% of the time. I had to work late last night and around 9:30 he came busting out of his room crying and holding that everyone poops book. He apparently wanted to do some more reading? So I calmed him down a bit and after giving up on reading "poop" he then decided he would like to sleep in mommmy's bed. Unfortunately, I had a solid hour or two more of work to do so back down he went in his bed with just a little bit of a fight. Nothing unusual.

Around 1:30 this morning I heard some whining but didn't really wake up all the way because there are two kids of cries, "I'm fussing and annoyed" and "You better get your ass in here and help me". I thought it was the first so I stayed asleep.

Well next thing I know, I hear a "thump thump thump thump thump" coming down the hallway. Then get a poke. Then "Mama? Mommy? Mommy?"

And there he is, standing next to my bed with his arms straight up.

I knew this day would come.

So I scoop him up, and tuck him under the covers and whisper "Are you cozy buddy? I love you" to which he responds "Yesth, wa uou udda moon" and then as fast as the transaction occurred, we're back asleep.

That is, until he starts kicking me in the face two hours later.

But that's another post.

I have always been ok with Kingy sleeping with us. PB was pretty darn sure that he would never be allowed to do it. Then Kingy wanted to do it and now PB loves it just as much as us.

The escaping the room thing is kind of annoying but we live in a ranch style home so there's no danger of him falling down the stairs or anything crazy. I put a light in the hallway so he could navigate to one of us without walking into a wall or something. So he's good.

But here's the thing, I know co-sleeping is kind of taboo and that's where I'm sorta hung up. I can hear people now "Oh if you let him sleep in your bed now, he'll never get out" and "you can never be intimate with your partner" and blah blah blah.

To be perfectly honest, I think we love it as much as him. Neither of us see Kingy for 40+ hours of the week and my thinking is that if he misses us so much that he wants to sleep next to us, what could be the harm?

And it's not like he's going to live with us until he's 40 because he's too afraid to sleep alone! He sleeps in his bed for a good portion of the night too so we do have that going for us. And I bet his wife will love it that he likes to snuggle and sleep in the same bed, which is more than I can say for his father...

To address the affection thing, PB and I sleep at night and are affectionate during nap time or whenever we can sneak some time in. Plus, PB sleeps on the mother effing couch. So he already put the kibosh on late night lovin.

So are we crazy? Do we need to nip this habit in the bud? Do people really have 12 year olds sleeping in their bed? I find that hard to believe.

I think we may just enjoy it while it lasts because these phases don't last long and before I know it he'll be too macho to give me hugs and smooches and I'll be wishing I had snuggled him when I could.

xxoo
ma

Monday - UnFunDay

Yo peeps

I have a weekend hangover today.

And not a real hangover, just the kind where you had such a busy, insane, exhausting weekend you need another two days to recover.

As I eluded to in my post on Friday, Ole Kingy and I kicked off V-day with heart shaped cookies for breakfast. It was all fun and games until I put on my Northface to walk our the door and found that one of the dogs had chewed part of my zipper off.

That's so special, isn't it?

Follow that up with the Devil, aka Grace, escaping the kennel six times that afternoon.

Upon further inspection of her charades, I found that she had killed and subsequently eaten the heart out of my favorite pet rabbit and kept escaping to finish eating/pick off the second one.

Talk about being pissed off.

Kingy and I had a special Valentine's dinner date and some shopping at Target that night. He also has started calling me "Mama" and I don't even know what to do with myself it's so damn cute.

I love him.

Saturday morning/afternoon was ok. We decided to give potty training a go since Ole Kingy is wise and old and according to every online quiz I took "was ready". We had about a 20% success rate on Day 1. Not too shabby.

That night I went to the casino to see Hootie, I mean Darius Rucker and let me tell you what, it was by far the most aaaaa-mazing show I have ever seen in my entire show seeing life. I mean, it was just awesome. Not to mention, I won $175 on that spinning/wheel roulette game with PB's money and instruction. $175!!

I don't gamble so I had no clue what I was doing but it was fun. I don't understand how people can be addicted to it though. Take the money and run!

Also, BBQ for dinner. Need I say more?

Sunday was pretty much hell on Earth considering I got about four hours of solid sleep, we were still potty-training and life needed to be done.

Let me just say that potty training is unbelievably frustrating and gross. I tried every single trick in the book and it was going better than the day before until we hit the afternoon. That's when Kingy started to projectile vomit all over the kitchen and then subsequently me.

As you can imagine, out goes said potty training and in comes showers, cuddles, crackers and juice.

Shit your pants buddy. We'll try again in a month.

The dogs then proceeded to terrorize me some more by puking everywhere, running away and peeing on the floor.

Did I mention they are for sale? And by sale, I mean I will pay you to take them.

I am apparently a firm believer in giving people/dogs 300 chances to prove me wrong but I'm running low on patience and chances.

Needless to say, after all of that, I went to be at 7:30 last night.

The End.

Cookies for breakfast = best mom ever!

Sharing a smooch over dinner

Can we talk about his form and thighs?

HOOTIE!!!!!!

Makin pies with "Mama"

Love Love Love

Happy Valentine's Day peeps!

We kicked our day off with heart shaped cookies for breakfast and the dogs surprised me with a chewed pink Northface fleece.

Cheers!

Big Hot Mess

Sometimes, scratch that, most times, crazy things happen to me in the morning.

I can't explain it.

1. I was up all night with a kid who apparently will not just breathe through his freaking mouth and prefers to stay up and whine because his nose is mysteriously plugged. Seriously, I can't explain it.
2. I stepped on approximately 3,000 cars, plastic dinosaurs and a hammer before 7:30am
3. I found Kingy's sneaker in the dog's water bowl. Weird. I didn't leave it there.
4. I also found a drawer missing from a cabinet in the mud room and a dinosaur costume in a dog bed.
5. One dog, terrified of my howling and cussing (lets be real), snuck into the house and peed all over the floor. I felt bad for him but more so for me because the cleaners just made that floor sparkly clean.
6. Kingy spilled his entire breakfast on the floor, twice. Then proceeded to drag a stool around the kitchen to get into the fridge and cupboards in search of cheese and cookies.
7. I may or may not have smashed my elbow after throwing one of my chewed shoes at Baboo. That'd be karma, I suppose.
8. My face is a hot mess. I don't know what's going on. We're talking swollen itchy eyes and pimples. I'm like a 13 year old.
9. I have no makeup on today and my hair is piled on top of my head. I'm taking business casual to a whole new level.
10.  I don't have anything for 10, thank you sweet baby Jesus, but I like even numbers so I made a bullet. Deal.

In other news, I picked up Eric Church's new album yesterday and people, it is SO good. It's not mainstream country at all which is so refreshing. In fact, it's a little weird at times. I mean, did you see his Outsiders performance? But I'd say it's more so modern southern rock. I think? Is that a thing? It's a lot of guitars and a lot of rocking and some funk. I love it.

No joke, I danced my way down the sidewalk and into the building this morning jamming to "That's Damn Rock and Roll". I may or may not have also danced in the elevator.

Tomorrow is FRIDAY! YAY!!!!!

Missing

Where have you guys been?

Just kidding.

Whoa.

Can I just say whoa?

I feel like I say this a lot but things have been a straight up whirlwind round these parts. Still.

I guess that's just life these days. I got back from Phoenix last week and was on campus the rest of it without any real chance to catch my breath or catch up on sleep. It was rough.

Saturday we hosted the funnest, cutest, awesomest, funnest Valentine's party for the kiddos! In my humble opinion, it was a total success.

They made Valentine's, decorated cupcakes, ate pizza and way too much candy, bounced in the jump house and ran around acting like the cute maniacs that they are. It was so much fun, that we decided we will throw a party for every holiday. Because who doesn't love being festive and coordinating outfits? Also, I had a really great time hanging with the adults.

Sunday was spent with a sugar hangover, hanging with my lovely sister and future brother in-law, parents, another sister, errands and an impromptu trip to pick out a wedding dress.

Y'all, shit's gettin real.

In about an hour I found a dress! I can hardly believe it. I was unsure at first if it was the dress for me but it makes me feel good and pretty and I'm about 99.9% sure PB is going to love my ass in it so what else could I possibly need?

The rest of the wedding planning stuff is history! I've nailed down most of the big stuff and now need to finalize the smaller details. This is part of what I do for a living so it's easy-peasy for me. The hard part is actually making a decision...

In hindsight, I'm really glad that we planned to do this so last minute because if I had more than four months to think about planning a wedding I'd probably go insane.

Here's some pictures and I promise I am back on the blogging wagon!

Enormous.

I love this kid.

Desert or Dessert?

Hola friends!

Things are sunny and significantly warmer out here in cactus land. I've never been to Arizona but I can tell you it is a beautiful place. It's actually just as you'd imagine.

Also, slightly terrifying.

Can you say scorpion? Or perhaps, rattlesnake? How about cactus, cacti, or sharp blunt plants?

I'm not going to lie, as soon as I set foot in my hotel room I wondered if I should be checking for scorpions in my sheets or something. So stereotypical and a total scene out of a movie, right?

I actually felt kind of stupid after I realized what I was thinking and then subsequently checked every corner in the room but I have no idea where those critters could be hiding!

Oddly enough, I am also not a fan of sleeping with said critters so you see my logic with this one. Stupid or not, how could I not look?

After meeting with friends last night and grilling them about the awful things I might encounter while running, I'm happy to report the deadliest scorpions are translucent or something so I won't even see it coming if Karma decides to get all up in my business and bite my ass.

Whether or not that is true, I have no idea but it's enough to make me not go wandering onto paths less traveled. Or to skip that run altogether and keep my flabby bum in my scorpion free bed.

Ain't nobody got time for venomous creepy stuff.

Also, I realize that a cactus is sharp and what not, but riddle me this; why do I have an overwhelming urge to touch one? I feel like a two year old that's just been told not to pick my nose. ALL I want to do is pick my nose.

Speaking of trips, they are kind of bittersweet these days.

On one hand, I get to see my colleagues, who luckily, are also very good friends. I usually get to go to cool places or cities I have never been. Eat really good food. And sometimes even have a chance to catch up with real friends outside of work that live in those cities. All kinds of winning there.

On the other, I have to be away from my boys and it totally sucks. I miss my dudes somethin awful.

I checked in with The King this morning and he happily yelled "HI MOMMY!!!!!!!" and waved like a wild man, totally stoked to see me. He then proceeded to run around the room and hold up random objects for me to see for the next five minutes, wrapping things up with "meeeeessssssss you" and a smooch.

Ugh.

Meh.

Here I am complaining about free trips around the country and being able to check in with my family by live video when most people don't get to see half of these places or even have internet. Maybe not even food.

Such a first world problem right?

Feel free to kick me in the face Karma.

Anyway, here's some pics from the last few days. I didn't have time over the weekend to make any goodies because time sort of got away from me. I also realized I need to get into a wedding dress come June so maybe I should lay off the sweets.

Hahahahaha.

Who am I kidding?